IRON MAN and The Disappointment of Aging, or How Hollywood Has The Marketing Mind of a 12 Year Old

Posted in Film, Music, self help by oldmandub on April 8, 2008

Next month Marvel Comics is releasing their newest installment in the misfortunate series of events that is their movie franchise. The creation of an IRON MAN movie, staring your favorite snuggly crack head Robert Downey, Jr. as Tony Stark, playboy billionaire and man behind the Iron Mask, has been something of a childhood fantasy for me. Back in the junior high days when no Marvel movies were being made (except for Dolph Lundgren’s PUNISHER and Wesley Snipes’ first BLADE movie) my pals and I would spend our time skating, smoking, and talking about useless shit like how rad it would be to see Spider-Man, Wolverine, or the Human Torch on the big screen. However, there was something way more special about Iron Man: he was also a muther fucking Black Sabbath song.

This idea had never left me through out the rest of my life (albeit, something I never dwelt on). Black Sabbath’s quintessential song “Iron Man” somehow involved with a movie about Iron Man the hero would be as awesome as discovering my first pube. So imagine my shock when this fantasy actually came to pass:

I don’t know if it’s the clearly propagandistic nature of the sequence, or just that I was super lame when I was 12, or maybe hearing Robert Downey talk leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but when I first saw this, and wasn’t considering for a even moment that Sabbath might actually have a role in this, I could not stop laughing in dismay. But, why? Why was I NOT super pumped up? WHY was this so lame to me? For christ’s sake, it was a boyhood fantasy come true! When does that ever happen? Instead, I was like a mad scientist who had just seen his monster come to life, overwhelmed with his own power to create the unthinkable, or, to quote Jeff Goldblum, “so caught up with whether or not I could that I never stopped to think if I should.” Nevertheless, where my 12 year old self would have climaxed on his chair my 24 year old self, after having finished laughing and realized what he had done, took another swig from his whiskey bottle and shook his head at his defeat with a half–life long war of fantasy versus reality. That is, not everything is as cool as it was when I was a kid.

On a side note, here’s a fun game I came up with: Think of other songs that would be even funnier than “Iron Man” for Iron Man to kick down doors to. My favorites are the chorus to Live’s “Lighting Crashes” and the hook in Boyz II Men’s “Motown Philly.” Seriously, this game will give you at least a half hour of entertainment.