Kylie Minogue is my hero. And fuck it, so’s Robert Downey Jr.

Posted in Film, Music by Rubang B, the Mad Doctor of Love on April 12, 2008

Kylie Minogue: the world’s most prolific and pandemic diva.

Once upon a time in a “creative writing” class at PCC in 2005, I felt compelled to make a very important announcement to the whole class. Kylie Minogue had been diagnosed with breast cancer. I was really worried about her and thought everybody should know. Nobody in the class knew who I was talking about, and they laughed at me and asked who she was. I was so mad I didn’t even tell them. Fuck that class. I was only 3 or 4 years older than those fucking idiots and they were already oblivious to the intergalactic magic of the Minogue. I hope some of those chumps find this blog.

Kylie Minogue is the world’s greatest diva and has been ever since Madonna and Whitney Houston went nuts a while back and I’m madly in love with her and everybody else should be too. There have been many competitors over the years, what with that cute little Britney vs. Xtina battle (racistly ignoring the superior Beyonce of course), and while Britney went crazier than Madonna or Whitney ever could, and Xtina kept her cool and continued to age like a fine wine, nobody has ever come close to Kylie’s magical throne of divahood.

For those interested in Madonna and Whitney’s attempts to take back their thrones from Kylie, Madonna’s new 11th album Hard Candy releasees first in Israel on the 24th, “worldwide” on the 28th, and in the U.S. on the 29th of this month, and Whitney’s new 8th album comes out this November. Madonna has stated that her new album is going in “an urban direction” and by that she means “hip hop, but like… still dance” and by that she means “a little black, but not too black.” Meanwhile, concerning Whitney’s new album, Clive Davis has said “We’re not going to compromise who she is to fit into today’s hip-hop radio market. The public wants Whitney material.” While Madonna keeps following the market with pathetic cross-over cash-ins, Whitney’s working really hard at her post-rehab comeback and trying to keep it real.

Good luck Whitney, you crazy crackhead. I’ll never forget your debut album, which still blows Madonna’s debut album out of the water. I still sing “The Greatest Love of All” in Karaoke Revolution Party on my Wii, and I programmed that song via MIDI and had my friend Brett sing it for a digital music editing final (and got an A, booyah). I even hope your comeback topples Madonna. But you’ll never stop the freight train that is Kylie.

Meanwhile, Kylie released her 10th album (and first album since she destroyed breast cancer) 10 days ago in the U.S. (although it launched first on November 21st in Japan for some reason, even before Australia or the U.K.). This album is X. I think it’s a Roman numeral, but now… it’s so much more. If you haven’t heard it, I highly recommend you do. The song “Speakerphone” can serve as a welcome to these 45 minutes of magic: “Drop your socks and grab your mini-boombox, let the beat drop.” In my opinion, X doesn’t recapture the magic of 2003’s Body Language, but then again, nothing ever does, so that’s definitely not a complaint. That’s like complaining that this album doesn’t come with three wishes. But if you’ve ever wished for ultimate jams three times in a row, this album just delivered.

But how did Kylie do this? How does she stay so far ahead of all these bitches half her age with even larger teams of writers and producers? First of all, her music is just better. Yeah, it’s got that magic that makes you shake your ass, which a lot of these young wannabes can emulate, but Kylie’s so much more than just dance music. In fewer albums she’s already gone through more phases and styles than Madonna or even Beck. Over the years Kylie has cited as influences Kraftwerk, the Human League, Prince, Serge Gainsbourg and Brigitte Bardot (X‘s track “Sensitized” is built on a fat sample of their “Bonnie and Clyde”), Stanley Kubrick, and others, and she’s worked with everybody from Nick Cave to Daft Punk. I’m even crazy enough to say that Kylie Minogue is doing for dance music what Johnny Cash did for country and what James Brown did for soul. Everybody has to like Kylie. You can’t say anything bad about her because she’s perfect. You just can’t say no to those 3, whether you’re into their genres of choice or not. Hell, Kylie even wears her past transformations on her sleeve (literally) in some sort of Bowie tribute, which just gets my dick wet.

Also, Kylie manages to responsibly walk on the thin line between sex icon and “virgin slut” that all the pop youngsters want to become these days. Kylie bleeds sex appeal, but doesn’t rub it in your face. Her music is sexy enough, so she doesn’t have to get naked all the time or make out with Madonna to remind you that she has a vagina. For example, when she was in chemotherapy, Kylie used her time off as an opportunity to write a children’s book, The Showgirl Princess, which is an “inspirational autobiography with motivational messages about believing in yourself and the importance of friendship and teamwork.” On the other hand, Madonna wrote Sex, and it had pictures of her with a naked Robert Matthew Van Winkle (aka Vanilla Ice). The scandal surrounding her sex book and her sex album Erotica helped Garth Brooks knock her off the charts after only one week.


Now I’m all for sex and sex books and sex albums and photos depicting hot tongue-on-ass action, but for fuck’s sake Madonna, you gotta do it right. The book was a joke, and Madonna’s tried to justify it by calling it “an ironic tongue-in-cheek photo-essay.” We all know she thought she was some sort of revolutionary sex queen changing the world and getting naked in shitty movies all over those early 90s as if anybody was paying attention instead of listening to Dr. Dre and Nirvana. I mean, she went from Vanilla Ice to Dennis Rodman. Apparently after failing to start a sexual revolution with her book, she wanted to go for the Wackiest Boyfriends Award. And don’t give me that “but but but Madonna wrote a children’s book too” crap, because Madonna’s book is a re-telling of Hebrew stories starring her daughter, because it’s hard enough to be Madonna’s daughter and so starring in mommy’s Kabbalah book will make it all easier. Man that kid’s gonna be nuts.

But back to the topic at hand: In Rubang’s humblest of diva history conclusions, Madonna’s best work was her 2nd, 3rd, and 4th albums, and she’s gone downhill ever since with a few isolated jams every few years, while Whitney’s been MIA forever with Bobby Brown, reality TV, and crack after her insanely magic debut, and this diva vaccuum sucked up Kylie Minogue faster than AIDS, and now everything Kylie touches turns to gold and her every album is greater than the last, except this new one, which is now her 2nd best and still amazing and better than anything Madonna’s done this millennium. Kylie Minogue IS what happens when taste and power collide.

Robert Downey Jr.: actor, singer, genius, hero.

Robert Downey Jr. was on SNL for one season back in 1985 when he was 20, in which he and Anthony Michael Hall did impressions of Hall and Oates. Can anybody find a video of that? I can’t so far. I need to see it.

That same year, this happened with Robert Downey Jr. and Anthony Michael Hall, and was written by Bruce McCulloch and directed by Jonathon Demme:

Robert Downey Jr. was Ian the asshole 80s jock in Weird Science, starring Anthony Michael Hall as Gary.

Robert Downey Jr. was Anthony Michael Hall’s best friend in Johnny Be Good.

Robert Downey Jr. was the asshole producer in Anthony Michael Hall’s directorial debut Hail Caesar.

Anybody who’s worked with Anthony Michael Hall on that many projects is a hero. End of story.

Not to mention he was the “communist blue-haired emo” Derek Lutz in Rodney Dangerfield’s Back to School.

Also, he’s a great singer, as can be seen in Heart and Souls, in which he sings the national anthem while HAUNTED BY CHARLES FUCKING GRODIN. Here is the clip of his ghosted performance:

That’s really his voice. He went on to record an album in 2004, The Futurist, which for some reason many reviewers compare to Peter Gabriel or Sting or Yes? I don’t get it. http://www.robertdowneyjrmusic.com has some sample clips. The album did pretty well and Duran Duran asked him to open for them, and HE SAID NO. Damn. Downey’s got balls made of iron. Who could ever say no to Duran Duran? Ever? Robert Downey Jr. can. And he did.

And besides, I’d rather have Robert Downey Jr. look black for a fictional story than Madonna try to sound “urban” in the real world.

Would anybody like to discuss Kylie or Downey or my take on recent diva hierarchy history?

Here’s one of their butts.

Thank you Taste & Power, I’ve had that Kylie gushing blog bottled up inside me for my whole life. And for the record, Robert Downey Jr. played a mad scientist in TIM ALLEN’s The Shaggy Dog, which reminds me of how much more power these blogs need, or at least more tasteful Tim Allen references.

4 Responses

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  1. ghettogem said, on April 12, 2008 at 1:54 pm

    wow baby….

    you really must get bored when I’m out of town.

    i’m sorry to leave you alone for so long.

    hang in there, i’ll be home on tuesday.

  2. amanda-faye said, on April 13, 2008 at 1:41 pm

    your writing on kylie almost brought a tear to my eye. i didn’t know you were a fellow fan of pop perfection. keep up the good work!

  3. teenage diet said, on April 20, 2008 at 4:27 am

    you never bring up kate bush who i would always group kylie with way before ever mentioning her in the same sentence as swine like madona.

  4. christinabowe said, on October 26, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    thanx for the great kylie blog mate,, im impressed.

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