IRON MAN and The Disappointment of Aging, or How Hollywood Has The Marketing Mind of a 12 Year Old

Posted in Film, Music, self help by oldmandub on April 8, 2008

Next month Marvel Comics is releasing their newest installment in the misfortunate series of events that is their movie franchise. The creation of an IRON MAN movie, staring your favorite snuggly crack head Robert Downey, Jr. as Tony Stark, playboy billionaire and man behind the Iron Mask, has been something of a childhood fantasy for me. Back in the junior high days when no Marvel movies were being made (except for Dolph Lundgren’s PUNISHER and Wesley Snipes’ first BLADE movie) my pals and I would spend our time skating, smoking, and talking about useless shit like how rad it would be to see Spider-Man, Wolverine, or the Human Torch on the big screen. However, there was something way more special about Iron Man: he was also a muther fucking Black Sabbath song.

This idea had never left me through out the rest of my life (albeit, something I never dwelt on). Black Sabbath’s quintessential song “Iron Man” somehow involved with a movie about Iron Man the hero would be as awesome as discovering my first pube. So imagine my shock when this fantasy actually came to pass:

I don’t know if it’s the clearly propagandistic nature of the sequence, or just that I was super lame when I was 12, or maybe hearing Robert Downey talk leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but when I first saw this, and wasn’t considering for a even moment that Sabbath might actually have a role in this, I could not stop laughing in dismay. But, why? Why was I NOT super pumped up? WHY was this so lame to me? For christ’s sake, it was a boyhood fantasy come true! When does that ever happen? Instead, I was like a mad scientist who had just seen his monster come to life, overwhelmed with his own power to create the unthinkable, or, to quote Jeff Goldblum, “so caught up with whether or not I could that I never stopped to think if I should.” Nevertheless, where my 12 year old self would have climaxed on his chair my 24 year old self, after having finished laughing and realized what he had done, took another swig from his whiskey bottle and shook his head at his defeat with a half–life long war of fantasy versus reality. That is, not everything is as cool as it was when I was a kid.

On a side note, here’s a fun game I came up with: Think of other songs that would be even funnier than “Iron Man” for Iron Man to kick down doors to. My favorites are the chorus to Live’s “Lighting Crashes” and the hook in Boyz II Men’s “Motown Philly.” Seriously, this game will give you at least a half hour of entertainment.

8 Responses

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. EdogLost said, on April 8, 2008 at 10:36 pm

    You drink too much whiskey. This movie is going to be fucking amazing. At least they had Stan Winston build an actual suit. It’s not going to be all CG bullshit like spiderman.

    Your real problem is the purity of the IP. Wait till they fuck with the Watchman.

  2. Rubang B, the Mad Doctor of Love said, on April 9, 2008 at 3:20 am

    I think your problem is that you got old. I’m gonna see this shit drunk as hell on day 1 and be 12 years old all over again. Robert Downey Jr. is the perfect emotionless rich drunk asshole because well… let’s just say he’s a method actor and he’s been working on this role for his entire life.

    And don’t dis Marvel’s film franchises. I mean, you can dis the Hulk or Daredevil or even the Fantastic Four, but X-Men put comic movies back on the map after the Superman and Batman movies fucked everything up. Now we’re even getting an Avengers movie. The entire fucking Avengers.

  3. oldmandub said, on April 9, 2008 at 3:31 am

    But i still love Black Sabbath, even the overplayed “Iron Man”, and i love comics movies. I don’t think i’ve missed one. I thought the Fantastic Four movies rules. And they were waaaaay better than the X-Men moves. The second one was pretty good, especially the opening Nightcrawler scene, but the third one? The third one???? One of the the worse of all comic book movies. Batman and Robin was better than that shit. I’ll have to see what’s up with the Avengers. And i am looking forward to the Magneto solo movie.

  4. Edog Lost said, on April 9, 2008 at 1:58 pm

    Riff told me he almost cryed when Wolverine killed the Phoenix in the end of the third X-Men movie. That is some real emotion.

    As for Iron Man, I have to agree with Rubang here. This movie is going to do what the first X-Men movie did for the genera. It’s going to bring it back to the fore front.

    I just hope GTA4 doesn’t kill Iron Man’s box office.

  5. oldmandub said, on April 9, 2008 at 2:06 pm

    fine, but you guys are missing the whole point of my argument. It wasn’t saying that Iron Man looks like a piece of shit (though i’m not saying here that it doesn’t). My point was that the TRAILER confused the hell out of me because I spent the last half of my life under the assumption that Iron Man the song and Iron Man the hero juxtaposed would rule, but for some reason it wasn’t ruling. It was just kinda sad.

    Good job taking my introspective take on aging and turning it into a debate about shitty movies! And VIDEO GAMES?!?!?! Damn you, Stearns!

  6. Rubang B, the Mad Doctor of Love said, on April 11, 2008 at 12:59 am

    I thought the juxtaposition still worked, and worked even moreso since I thought it would never happen in a million years. I thought it made too much sense to actually happen because the people in charge of this crap are too stupid. Besides, Hollywood’s always had the marketing mind of 12 year olds. I can’t even watch TV, but I’d start again if it was all trailers like this.

    But if we’re gonna talk about video games, I hear the Iron Man video game is getting rushed to come out with the movie so it looks really pretty and has great flying controls but shitty close quarters combat controls. I hope the movie’s not like that. You gotta stick to the rockets. That’s what I hurdz on the intraweb anyway.

    But if we’re gonna talk about aging, maybe you should spend the next half of your life focusing on how awesome flying robots are instead of going out of your way to exaggerate their weaknesses. Flying robots are people too, and they need our emotional support to save the future.

    But if we’re gonna talk about crying during X-Men 3, FUCK YEAH I CRIED TOO. But not at the Phoenix part. I cried at the part with Professor X. It was way more intense for me. I love me some Charles. Movie’s so much better than anything else. In fact, I once wrote a blog about how it was my favorite campy sci-fi movie of the 2000s (the non-campy one being Children of Men of course).

  7. ghettogem said, on April 11, 2008 at 4:33 am


    i hate the fact that robert downey jr. is richer and more famous than me, and i hate anything that contributes to his fame and riches.

    i was on the fence about him for a long time, but the blackface thing has finally settled it for me.

    let’s impale his anus.

    then take his money.

    then buy ourselves some coke and whores.

    then do a blackface song and dance routine.

    on the other hand,

    i love anything flying-robots-jetpacks-guns-explosions-black sabbath.

    so this will be a bit of a dilemma.

    i resolve to go with rubang to the theater, but pay for a different movie, then still go sit and watch ironman with rubang while he cries.

    i encourage everyone else to do the same.

    friends don’t let friends support robert downey jr.’s career.

  8. oldmanwinter said, on April 29, 2008 at 12:41 am


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: