The Kimbo Slice February 16 MMA Fight against Tank Abbott was a massive event I was looking forward to for at least a day and a half. It was going to be huge. The internet sensation Kimbo Slice, who’s real name is Kevin Ferguson (ha ha ha ha), was scheduled to fight some guy named Tank, which in-and-of –itself is pretty brutal, and I knew that I was down for the cause.
So down. I had seen a few of Mr. Slice’s fights on the youtube. He started out as a backyard street fighter pummeling and crushing his way through the underground circuit like a manmade force of nature. In one video I saw he hits some dude so hard he knocks off a dreadlock. It made me wish Kimbo were my buddy when I was at school in Santa Cruz.
So I’m at an all day BBQ at my friend’s house just hanging out and waiting for the fight. Through out the day I had 1) Beer 2) Zombie Bowl 3) More Beer 4) Jalapeno Poppers 5) More Beers 6) Two Hot Dogs 7) Margaritas 8 ) Some shots or something. So I’m all drunk and ready to see some shit.
Maybe it was the alcohol, but I’m not sure what I saw. What it looked like was about 45 seconds of what is clearly the product of a suburban, middle-class, white kid’s worst-ever nightmare pummeling some old, overweight, white guy into a crumpled cheeseburger wrapper to be picked up later by Jose. I mean, look at this picture:
It’s fucking King Kong versus Louie Anderson! “Tank” has his hand up like he’s screaming, no, not in the face!, but I guarantee that fist hit his face with enough power to scalp Bob Marley.
Had I known that “Tank” was a blubbery, old reject-clown I probably would not have told everyone that there was some awesome fight to witness. No, I would have told them we were gonna watch a good ol’ fashioned honkey stompin’. Kimbo knew such well before the fight: “If Tank don’t have a gun, Tank is gonna have pure hell in there with me. And if he has a gun he better have a big ass gun. You need a chopper. Cuz if you pull out a .9, or a .38, or a .45, I’m gonna run through that… He’s gonna have to pull out a chopper. Other than that he’s gonna have to see me.” Awesome.
I feel that is how Kimbo’s career as an MMA (which is Mixed Martial Arts, by the way) fighter is just going to be. However, an article I read by some guy who actually takes a continual interest in this crap said this fight was horseshit because “Tank” is an old, fat douche and Kimbo, though he has the power in his left jab of a dreadlock ripping volcano, his real martial arts moves, such as grappling and wrestling, have yet to be tested. That up against a real MMA Champion Kimbo wouldn’t stand a chance. That Kimbo Slice is just a bunch of hype.
Bullshit! Look at that behemoth. I don’t care if you can hold some one’s arm down around their balls and up their butt for days. You have to withstand a punch from Kimbo first. I’m not a fighter, but if that guy came at me, and I didn’t have a chopper, I know that the moment just after I explode shit all over my pants everything I ever thought was decent about this world will be rejected as nothing but pure fantasy, and I’d realize what the world is really about is colostomy bags, church, and eternal darkness. But that’s not what matters. What matters is that Kimbo Slice will vaporize every opponent that comes his way. His career will be a symbol for the 21st century: Relentless, unforgiving, mass devastation at our own behest while everyone is drunk and confused by how fast everything was destroyed. Except Kimbo will survive Armageddon. Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “if it bleeds you can kill it,” but I haven’t seen Kimbo bleed. And neither will any grappling, floor-wrestling ninny with no dreadlocks.
I’m just going stick to the things worth seeing for the time being. Trust me there will be plenty of time and space dedicated to mockery of the giant puss-pods protruding through the overly loofa’d face of our dearest Chelsea (i.e. “Accidental Modernism” I shit you not, real name of a show up right now). But first off lets start with “JESUVIAN PROCESS” up now at Elizabeth Dee on 20th. (more…)